My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
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If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
the composer
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess