My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
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[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.