Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me

me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend

Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭

Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.

Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs

hair stylist: *visibly pales

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

me: hi do you take walk-ins?

groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?

Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.

If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

*puts bike helmet on 4*

my brain: now knock on it a coupla times

me: why?

brain: you just gotta

[First day as homicide detective]

* approaching murder scene *

Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……

I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.

If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂

Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.

c’mon!