Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

Nothing to do, you say?

[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?

For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.

the prophecies have been fulfilled

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?

me: i deleted it.

detective: why?

me: it was all grainy.

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’

~cats

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.

my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her

Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.

My Plans 2020

ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

I don’t call them exes, I call them whys

Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts

What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???

multitasking lunch

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.