Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: why do you keep poking me ?

Her: I’m looking for the mute button

When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

When you pick your nose after dusting the house

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.

{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

i will avenge u mr van gogh

Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

You are not your own worst enemy.

You have many more enemies.

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.