Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
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Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Canada has crack?
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”