*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
My son just sat me down to gently explain how I haven’t made his summer “fun enough” yet so now he’s folding laundry. In a totally fun way.
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If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Why repent? I pented just last week.