My son just sat me down to gently explain how I haven’t made his summer “fun enough” yet so now he’s folding laundry. In a totally fun way.

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Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.


Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.


Some guy asked me at the gym what I eat and I just said “idk whatever I want just in moderation” and he goes “oh.. I don’t eat anything for pleasure, I only eat to fuel my body” ok you definitely only asked me so you could say that but that’s cool psycho


[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot


I installed a mirror in front of my toilet so that when I run out of things to read I will have someone to talk to.


JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?


Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”