My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
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If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.