My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
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I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
look scared
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.