Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.

Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.

Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”

I have half a mind to…

Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat

Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last

interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?

Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH

Me: lmao go ahead I can take it

Townspeople: you have a dumb face

Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police

Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.

Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.