Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.

Me: I’m a mature adult

Also me:

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.

Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.

FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?

Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?

1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.

1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!

2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”

“Just do the damn laundry”

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

What I said: Brush your teeth!

What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”

Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?