Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..

if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.

“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

Who knew?

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.

peeing after esex so i don’t get an hdmi

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

Green is just blue that someone peed in

[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?

So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.

Still not sure why you would need this though.

Yes, I would take a bullet for you.

We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.

3: Imma be a lamp.

Me: I’m done talking to you for now.

Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.