My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
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that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
my first day as a raccoon
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
