Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.

I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

Me: don’t do it

Brain: GONNA DO IT

Me: I’m driving

Brain: HERE IT COMES

Me: there’s oncoming traffic

Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW

Me: you’re going to kill us both

Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST

Me: *pre sneeze face*

Brain: THIS AMUSES ME

Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED

ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.

Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you

[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]

Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.