My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
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Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I have a type: disappointing
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
