My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
You Might Also Like
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.