My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
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*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Beauty and the Beast
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.