My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

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Mugger: [pulls knife] gimme your wallet

Me: You picked the WRONG DAY to rob me Pal. I get paid Fri at midnight you should try again then


Me: A 3-hour movie?! Who does that?!
Also me: I will now watch all 13 hours of this tv series in one sitting.


Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document


🎶 You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I’m telling you why. Life gets worse when you’re an adult. 🎶


A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby


What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu


[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*


I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.


[sanitation worker knocks at my door]

The amount of McDonald’s related trash we’re collecting from your home each week has us concerned.