My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

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“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood


I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.


I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.


*arrives at funeral

*whispers to widow

Where should I park my food truck?


Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.


cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy


it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman


[gets pulled over]

cop: do you know how fast you were growing?

me: officer, I wa-wait did you say growing?

cop: *removes mask to reveal grandma* you’ve gotten so big


I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you’d better do what I meant and not what I said.


Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear