“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
You Might Also Like
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
*arrives at funeral
*whispers to widow
Where should I park my food truck?
Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
[gets pulled over]
cop: do you know how fast you were growing?
me: officer, I wa-wait did you say growing?
cop: *removes mask to reveal grandma* you’ve gotten so big
I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you’d better do what I meant and not what I said.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear