@Cheeseboy22

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

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@shkeeber

Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Orally.

@NotTodayEric

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

@FredTaming

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

@shutupmikeginn

Google glasses? No thanks, too much tech. It’s weird

“You can secretly watch Netflix at work”

Oh, please take literally all of my money.

@3sunzzz

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

@ravenswng_

Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?

@rickygervais

Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂

@LackOfShame

Boss: Just spend the company’s money with the same discretion as you would your own.

Me: I understand.

*bankrupts the company

@david8hughes

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.