My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

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Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Orally.


Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳


doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood


Google glasses? No thanks, too much tech. It’s weird

“You can secretly watch Netflix at work”

Oh, please take literally all of my money.


Me: *brings home new puppy*



Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?


Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂


Boss: Just spend the company’s money with the same discretion as you would your own.

Me: I understand.

*bankrupts the company


Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.