Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc

Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild

“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole

Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.

*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*

Ummm

My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉

me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”

cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”

me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’

Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*

Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!

Bad sex? Just add Tequila!

Bad day? Just add Tequila!

Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]

Android user: See?

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.

I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM

Just a friendly reminder folks.

Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.