Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.

them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable

trader joe: make the lanes even narrower

them: done

tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots

them: you got it

tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph

ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”

German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.

Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”

This is hilarious….

Michelangelo: Why are you naked?

Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?

Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!

I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)

Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.