Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though

[Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.

Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”

Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”

Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.

I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”

If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

*Day 9 of quarantine*

Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?

2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?

Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?

2020: How’s your back?

Me: Damn it!

2020: *teehee*

Most Well-known Speeches:

1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln

2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King

3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!

My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.

Scammers: Hi!

Me: Not like that.

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.