My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
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the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Huge if true.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Holy moly
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.