My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
You Might Also Like
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children