My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
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Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
We decided to have money instead of children.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
some Old Testament wisdom
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
who wore it better?
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.