My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
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Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Camel dough
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.