Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-

I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one

It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.

Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”

Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”

If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?

OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

[Dr. Strange casting read]

Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ

Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?

Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-

Me: LANGUAGE!

10: -OG!

Me: ohhh my bad, carry on

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love