Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

Time estimates:

“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

Admin smashed it 😂

Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda

If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.

On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.

Daughter: what does biography mean?

Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.

[later at movie night]

Wife: let’s watch Cars.

Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.

Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!

No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today

[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole