My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
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I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.