My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
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My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.