Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.

If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

Just parrot things

date: i think i’ve been here before

me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant

date: i’m definitely having deja vu

me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

British people be like I’m Bri ish

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.

Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*