Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

911: what room is the body in

me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

Once a lap dog, always a lap dog

[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit

Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work

The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord

Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?

Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog:

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.

Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.

[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.