My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
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Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
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Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell