My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
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I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.