My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
A small tragedy.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
