*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
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If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol