My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
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Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Speak now or ever hold your peace
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
And now we wait
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.