My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
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@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
These work great until they don’t.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Childbirth is so beautiful
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever