My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
You Might Also Like
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
The honesty is refreshing
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami