Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.

No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053

The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB

#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear

Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good

Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.

HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!

Friend: I said be selfish.

Me dressed as a clam: Oh

Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.

My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…

Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.

Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.