Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.

If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.

Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

I’m not average. I’m mean.

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?

Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.

4: Mummy, I know how old you are.

Me: OK.

4: Has it got an 8 in it?

Me: Yes! Well done.

4: Is it 8 and then 0?

Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.

Mornin

No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.

“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.

“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”

At least he biked 12 blocks?

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster

ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

[bar]

DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]

if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]