Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?

My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

“Read that again”

No thanks, it sucked the first time.

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh

When I grow up, I want to be 16

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

Accurate

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

I finally shaved my legs.

Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?

That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no

*adds Doritos to wedding registry*