My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
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ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
True.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
