My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
The sacred texts.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Is this anything
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog