My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
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I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
logging onto twitter…
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
📽️movie date🎞️
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
My daughter keeps ending up with glitter all over her face and she doesn’t know where its coming from. I keep asking her if she’s turned into a vampire and she doesn’t understand and it’s giving me life 😂
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
My daughter was invited to a birthday party. We showed up, & the people who hosted the party weren’t even there. They cancelled the party, but didn’t notify anyone, so we all went back home. Hours later I text the family, “what time should I pick up my daughter from the party?”
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.