My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
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It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Human are so complicated
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?