My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
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*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳