My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
You Might Also Like
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!