Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?

Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

Finally… My bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baked and dinner is in the dryer… Adulting is tough, but I’ve got this!

I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

got so much cardio in today

[at DMV]

Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first

Guy in line: that’s not a thing!

Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu

Guy: wha-

Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*

Clerk: cup or cone

Me: cone pls 🙂

Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie

Deer: *frozen in headlights*

Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

Part of me wants to actually see Oppenheimer. But the other, more correct part wants to piece together the film through memes

If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.

Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.

imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.

me: do you sell ducks?

him: yes, but they’re going quick

me: ok I’ll take one

[later]
duck: quick
me: I see

Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

[shakes fist at other fist]

told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance

friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it