My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
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By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I wish I could veto my bills.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE