Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

My kids: what are we having for…

ME: LEFTOVERS

Would you wear it?

The secret to work life balance is generational wealth

Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.

😂😂

Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.