MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
this is what they would have looked like, though
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
