My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
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An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
🤣🤣🤣
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together