My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
You Might Also Like
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
A friend sent me this.
