My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
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I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
This is my bus stop.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.