Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.

🤣dope

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!

My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this

Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

[ER visits, by age]

Doctor: How did this happen?

Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten

when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.