Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”

– Hannibal Labradoodle

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas

Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!

Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.

Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.

me: [pooping in a basket]

hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

*teaches nephew about the telegraph*

him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons

If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.

SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did

[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]

Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck

it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way

Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.