@DadandBuried

My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.

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@ninatreemonkey

If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms

@007Pepe_Rex

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

@robots_feel

priest: you may now read the vows you have prepared

me: i think I misunderstood the assignment

wife: just read what you have honey

me: ok [deep breath] A E I O U

@carychowESPN

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*

DC: Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.

@ghostkrogh

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

@pleatedjeans

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

@CornOnTheGoblin

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half