Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
You Might Also Like
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
priest: you may now read the vows you have prepared
me: i think I misunderstood the assignment
wife: just read what you have honey
me: ok [deep breath] A E I O U
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half