My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
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Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.She looked me in the eye and said….
“I’ll visit you”