My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
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Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Never ghost your hitman.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
why neck hurt
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?