Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers

Damn what did I do next

Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.

Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.

Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.

I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour

So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.

Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

Don’t tell me what to do

Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…

“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…

Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.