Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.

ok like just. call me at this point

Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:

Music: Jimi Hendrix

Science: Albert Einstein

Business: Michael Scott

CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢

What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.

this is supposed to be an 18 year old

Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?

Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”

Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.

Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.

In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

OMFG!

I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.

Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,

I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.

I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.