My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
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Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I don’t know what to do
I fixed it. For me
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”