Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.

Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.

I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email

Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.

Me: OMG, what!?

Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.

Me: Phew.

Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.

My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.

Just looked up my son’s search history.

Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶

God: *closes a door*

Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.