My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
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If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I’m not wrong
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ