My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
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Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening