Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.

“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”

-Disney’s Frozen

I paused the movie to tweet this…

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win

🌲😼

Shhh!
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-Librarians arguing

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.

Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date

Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..

girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?

her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?

The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion

The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag